Time to get serious:
Seriously click this buttom,
you know the pass.
facts(?): You got so angry because you feel ignored, not listened to, and you believe I keep missing or dismissing your points and questions. You’re frustrated that I acted independently after you made the plan, which you see as me taking over something you worked on, especially since I was against the idea at first. You also feel I don’t communicate clearly, don’t acknowledge your efforts, and that I apologize without understanding what actually upset you. All of this builds up resentment and, with repeated miscommunication, makes you feel disrespected and triggers a such strong reaction.
But this cycle—where you block me and disappear for days or weeks, and we end up in the same fights over and over—has been going on for more than a year and half now. The time alone or apart was supposed to be a healing opportunity for us, if only it was a mutual decision, not a threat or a power/revenge game. It’s not just about the bike or one misunderstanding. It’s about both of us feeling invalidated and unheard, and it’s tearing us apart. I know that when someone feels invalidated, they either get hostile or withdraw, and that’s exactly what’s happening to us: we’re stuck in this loop where neither of us feels safe or understood.
So here’s my solution/boundary and my idea for moving forward:
We have 6 months to figure out how to stop this dynamic—no more blocking, no more avoiding, no more regular fights. We both need to actually try to break this cycle, communicate directly, and work through things even when it’s uncomfortable. If we can’t do that, then after 6 months, we part ways, because it’s a waste of time and energy for both of us to not grow deeper roots and go to next stages of the relationship, but to keep repeating this pattern that's making our relationship like a dead shark: "doesn't move forward, hence dies" (ant writing: this was an animal fact here for you, sharks only stay alive and breath as long as they move forward, stopping means death, they also can't move backwards cuz they have rigid fins)
[ it's June 6th now, 6th December 2025 will be 6 months from now ]
Within this 6 months we need smaller deadlines every month or two to make the bigger plan happen.
I’m being serious: if things don’t change, we won’t be able to move in together, live together, be partners, have kids_ever. Isn't that scary? It's happening now, and there’s no point in building a future on a foundation that’s this unstable. I want us to try, but we need to protect our own well-being too. If you have ideas for how we can actually make this work, this lil box down there sends your message to my "ProtonMail" directly (I'm a pro website developer now) but I need to know you’re willing to try for this 6 months, and to confirm aggreeing with the deal of ending it if it didn't work.
This is where I stand. I just set a boundary. That's not a bad thing. That's a good thing. I'm not your enemy.
click to send
Pi and Silver's relationship tree 🌲
𖣂 The contract making era
𖠰 My rigid thinking era
Our conflicts started with me facing your standards and preferences in involving me in your projects, with the planting trees in the children's park, my bad cooking in your kitchen, the cycling, your job, you refusing my valentine chocolate, etc. They conflicts started with you finding me being casually and carelessly all over the place, not being reasonable or concrete.
I made contracts for each issue we faced, to make clear boundaries for us. We used to fight a lot, so we also made a contract for not fighting, to be in peace when the anger was about to show up. I wrote, "Peace comes first no matter what". We really used to fight a lot. It was devastating. Your needs were very new to me, and I was very confused by your reactions. We were so fucking close before this era.
In this era, my experience was that my reality was being called into question a lot, by you. In the details. U always were questioning me or telling me what I'm doing wrong. U were being hurt and I was a disturbance in your silverly organized environment. I couldn't see that. I used to think you are a micro-managing gaslighter.
Your experience was that my though process is very rigid, like the time you showed me your moss table and asked me what is new or different in it. And it was the pink flower grown in there u wanted me to see, I stared at it for 5 minutes more and u were yelling at me "how can't you see what's different?". U used to call me stupid and retarded all the time. It was very shocking and frustrating for me. I couldn't understand why everything should be so strict. It wasn't like this with other people I'd met before (well except with my mom maybe!) And you couldn't understand why I can't be clear in my communication and why I can't see what's "right in front of me"!
U used to argue "when I say you are retarded I'm not defining your whole being, I mean you are at that moment acting like a retard". Man I couldn't take it! I would get so angry.
𖠰 The bad story telling era
We have different perspectives and ways of thinking and talking. U used to say u had to practice to get to that level of putting your thoughts into words. I used to think why does he think he is better than me? U used to say I need to practice, first put things in order then tell them, cause otherwise it would bother you and burden you to put them in the right order while it's my job to do it. I didn't try to make things interesting to listen to, when narrating them. I was just saying them as they formed in my head in a dummy order.
There came the era that you found me annoying when I was telling u about my day or ideas, it didn't have a concrete story line. U would get frustrated. U said, speak clearly, put time to think before you talk. Was the time we talked about cultural differences too, about persian language and whatnot.
Months after this era, u said my thoughts are too big for my mouth.
Few days ago you pointed to the open shower and said it's still raining, then laughed and said to me u are a retard too, u just hide it better than me. I thought it was funny.
𖣂 The spray era, the summer
This was definitely the high point of all. Before it happened I was "feeling" controlled, my reality was always in question, my story telling was bad so I distanced myself from telling u about myself and my life, and I wasn't asking questions either, instead I was just shutting myself in assumptions, still acted pretty passive about most things. It was around the time I told u to stop calling me stupid.
You had taken more responsibilities to take care of everything on both of our sides, you were doing problem solving for fights, I was passive. We took a trip to france and it was great. I was emotionally charged and couldn't handle any part I was responsible for, u did all the planning. I felt so useless and out of control, no control over us, over myself, everything was a disastrous mess in me and around me. I wasn't any help.
We used to swim. We spend a lot of beautiful time together that summer. The troubling stalker girl happened in that summer as well. We had fights during summer but I guess it was manageable? I don't remember much of the fights.
We wanted to get closer. I suggested we meet my parents. I sucked at planning it ahead and make things easy for you. I fucked it up even further by taking the spray with me, then acting as if is nothing, then fighting about my mess I caused, and blaming you for my shortcoming, while u did a whole flight and trip and plannings around it and the expenses for an outside europe trip, just to be with me for half an hour, yet I welcomed you with monstrosity.
The spray happened.
And U somked again.
I was so oblivious I couldn't understand why everything between us was so difficult. I was avoiding reason because I was scared to see and accept it, couldn't reason to figure out what the situation between us is and how to resolve issues and what my role is in all of it exactly is. Not properly, at least.
When the fuck up of spray revealed, I argued with you to preserve myself from being called out on the fuck up, cuz I had this thought of you just wanting to bully me for the sake of bullying, couldn't see the reality beyond that. Yet I was not only not preserving myself but also planting seeds for the future misery of both of us, regardless of what an important time of our lives that week was in Turkey and what effort u put in to be there, I wasn't seeing anything, I was just presumption and extreamely defensive, for no good reason. For no good intention. And it took me forever to even begin to understand it.
I went full berserk on our love and trust with the spray.
It was neverendingly everlastingly unnecessary.
↟ The Raspberry Pi, kayak, packing my stuff out of ur house, etc. era
From this point on, u only lost all trust and emotional connection with me, said something died in u and needed enormous effort from both of our sides to mend it, if mending is at all ever possible. Strangely enough it was you all along who was asking me to make things right and initiating it, explaining everything, making me understand what I'd even done, initiating conversations, asking me to make amends, instead of me doing all of it, remorsefully asking you to forgive what I'd put u through, I was being a tree trunk. Obliviously and ignorantly.
U started telling me I need to ask more questions if I'm confused, I need to be open to understanding the views of others because others are real and not just in my head. U introduced me again to your kitchen, stopped calling me stupid, and asked me instead to be curious, clear, and ask questions.
I tried to practice asking and understanding, but this didn't mean I was willing to leave my own rigid perspective to understand yours. Everything for me had become about who is right who is wrong. Not about perspectives. It's weird cause I have been known by my whole life by everyone for having unbiased perspectives about everything and everyone. But maybe life and trauma and emotions were now chaining me to my rigid perspectives of my own. I wanted to protect myself so bad. I still do unfortunately. I don't even know against what. That made it even more scary, cause I didn't even have an enemy.
We wanted this to change in me, by me learning to have proper conversations with you, be less emotionally charged, leave when get triggered, and practice being tolerant.
U had a hard time trusting me, your anger was showing up in strong waves over and over again because of the remnants of the feeling about the spray, I was useless when it came to making things right, we decided to take therapy.
𖣂 Now, the therapy era
So now both of us have accepted we are different, we both have our own personal truths, different from one another. All of which are valid. But sometimes my personal truths become your burden, and sometimes I find your personal truth disturbing and offensive. I still refuse to be a philosopher who converses for the sake of understanding, I converse for the sake of "putting you to your place". I fight cause I'm scared.
Now the question is, how will the dynamic look like if we both want to keep our boundaries strict, if I don't learn to communicate my boundaries and needs properly, am not curious enough to see your perspective, and how can I avoid forcing my truths onto you?
U made it clear that your peace and life come first. My peace and safety come first for me as well. Of course. It only makes sense, it only makes us stronger in our relationship if each of us can first take care of themselves. I tend to have my own narratives in terms of what is offensive and where I need to protect myself. It's kinda hard to change it apparently, it's hard coded into my brain and I'm just trying to work on seeing passed it, but still need harder attempts.
Communication for me was never a strong point either, so, for a long time I wasn't able to use it as a tool to go through and solve the conflict of boundaries with words and understanding, so I'd just found your boundaries disturbing my peace, and couldn't even understand why, due to emotional trigger and strict biased thinking.
Have I had the tool of "words", maybe we could have discussed the potential problems easier. But the next question is, will this tool be enough to overcome conflict? This tool, if used right by a strong mind, is powerful for sure.
But what if, despite our conversations and understandings, my boundaries still disturb yours or yours disturb mine, and one of us has to compromise for another? Will we be able to do that? I think here comes the necessity of the next era: trust era
𖣂 (Possible) post trusting era
Now u say you find it hard to trust me, you take care of yourself first, cause I don't take care of you, or sometimes don't even take care of myself, at the cost of your peace. You see me as a volatile enemy on whom u can't count. I wonder if trust can make us more willing to give respect and space to each other's boundaries, and if necessary, be willing to compromise for each others needs.
I can't expect that from you now, since I myself have a very thick castle built around me. I do act and think clumsy, not emotionally strong, and I expect the worst of the world all the time. I'm not very willing to see things from your point of view, I'm defensive, I'm not an empathetic type, I fight against a hypothetical bully who I think wants to control me, instead of seeing you as a person and try to engage. Then u act accordingly and I get upset about the reaction to my action.
But now the question is how can I make you trust me? By being consistent in behavior, for one. By not dragging you into my emotional roller coaster.
♱ (Possible) Sharing perspective era
This era has been going on for a long while now. But I put it as a separate part to focus on it further.
Right now your trust in me is very low, and it's made things really vulnerable and difficult. Any emotional trigger makes u wanna take the necessary distance immediately to preserve your peace. And I lack prediction on what might trigger you. I don't predict in the moment for instance the plastic bag or that if I go put the groceries in the fridge it would be rude and disrespectful, or why ice tea is a problem, and I don't ask. Although you didn't fight with me on any of them, which is a very valuable thing.
I still don't have any solutions for how to change this lack of predicting in me, and the tyrant that comes afterwards, how to understand and predict these triggering moments. For me, they are very random and small, and in the moment, I don't understand if and how they could turn into issues. Then I have to either ask you or be willing to put aside my rigid mentality to understand.
I wonder how you felt about the last session we had with the therapist where I explained what happened in my brain when we had the accident about plastic bag (that I get hyper focused and stop thinking properly and etc.) And how you think of it, does it make you get less upset with me having an explanation for what happened? or it's irrelevant to you (when u sometimes say u don't care) as long as I don't do things the right way?
The reason why I ask this is to see if you understand my position helps you not get upset as much with me, if me explaining them, if they are reasonable, it would help you. It sure does help me. But I wonder if it helps you. Do u also think if I explain what I go through would result in me taking more control over the situation and less burden on you to take control over the triggering situation, when u already going through a lot?
It would definitely help me, both to understand myself and to lessen or prevent the anger in you, and be able to be less defensive as a result, less triggered myself. So, yeah, this was another possible step, which I have to practice it, very hard for long.
[date: sometime in 2024]
To answer your question, what's good about meeting eachother:
Going around amsterdam codam to find treasure/discovering, Reading books while sunbathing, shoot bird, planet ape watch,Pilate, Break into our home, Sing him the little prince! Rotterdam Museum, Worm Rotterdam, Escher, that Book Writers' Association he said, Moss table music, Make art together, paint sunset, woodwork, ask him to read his stories to you, he wanted to show me his porn, that studio is in Leiden, swimming lake, boat, voltage control studio, jamming together. concert and Gray Space and Crawl Space. NDT dance shows. Leiden Heineken had a beautiful hanging room take him. condom adverting, throwing crap post-it-note in people's mailboxes. organ concert in church. church-Yoga . Kabk tour. sonic acts. chop woods together in jungle. Go look for mushrooms and moss in the forest. finding a prostitute friend together - Play Monopoly with random people.
I think if we go on a trip, we should take an instant camera, take pictures, leave the pictures here and there with a text behind them, Or maybe we should post them to ourselves? go to Sunday market + cool guy museum, rat killing/petting, mushroom, shooting the coconut/theater dolls, go to jungleS for run/for weed and music. Go to jew's dunes, sneak into concerts in Amare, Fish humans with 10 euros in kabk, Go see his delft farmtje (bike to delft), Train date, Nail polish, Casino, Cooking, Find more homes, traveling and camping, sunbathing in balcony with ice water for feet!, Bullfighting live in Peru/Spain/Portugal, Leave jew jpt in reddit, make documentations and post on youtube- cook for him and with him- bake for and with him -tell him about Fourier - tell him about the sound of the wind - make fourier 3d printer with wood together - kringloop custom shopping - rope him!!!!!- Make gold with clay and take a nap - glass breaking composition - compose with him - take him for deep listening in nature and field recording - fire recording - burning piano music - go to filmhuis and art venues and installations and art movies - Leiden Blossom Cafe - Amare Zaal under chairs for listening to music - Jazz bar - chess high - movies high - swimming high -
breaking into cemetery - hunting - camping - barbecue - going back into out home - read him bedtime stories -
Empty stage for performing, composing and dancing with Babe-Burning instrument for sound -Hydrophone making with crystals - radio making - moss music - Audio meditation with my own voices/ with nature / with recordings - Tell him to touch your hair, braid it - Take to Kabaka Exhibition of last year projects - work in kabk - filmhuis