If you chose ever to read my new letter,
Click this
buttom,
you know the pass.
[1]
Dearest Silver,
I'm really really glad you decided to read my letter. Thank you in advance. I have missed you an insane amount. You might ask, "why are you still talking, what do you want. It's over." I don't know. I want to share what I am learning about what happened between us. You are full of hatred. and hurt. Understandably. I can't stand knowing what I have done to cause you so much pain. You are the most previous to me, even if this doesn't mean anything now. I share with you what I'm learning:
​
I received a book from our therapist, and I started reading it, I would like to talk to you about what I have found out. I am scared of what I have let myself be to you and do to you. I have lost you. I still believe there is much room to adapt, and I want to go all the miles to again reach you.
Before I start let me say this again please: I have left you alone, in fighting our battles alone. I feel very heavy in my heart and I can't breath, I can't sleep I can't eat just thinking of it. It's not news that I have been selfish and immature and irresponsible towards you, not the mature loving partner you deserve to have by your side. You were left alone to battle, I did that. I prioritized my own emotions in a very wrong unhealthy way, and didn't respond to your solutions.
This is not news. But hear me out please.
This is an emotional matter. short coming from my side.
Emotional matter needs emotional solution. Thoughts and facts will not let me be honest to my problems and will not touch where I was hurt first as a child, where I got my trauma responses shaped. No fact or reason no amount of talking will drag me out of the gutters. Honest feelings will. Empathy will. Not bargains or promises or fake apologies or self controls. I don't believe my solutions were really a solution so far. I can hear you giving me analysis and tools and solutions, but can't listen or understand. This is true. I get stuck in analysis paralysis, I wear the cover of realization but I'm too scared to properly go for the sore trauma spot and touch it. I'm still not honest with myself. I don't know myself.
(from the book) "...the exquisite logic behind all couples' passionate complaints and desperate defensiveness: Romantic relationships are all about attachments and emotional bonding. It was all about our wired-in need to have someone to depend on, a loved one who can offer reliable emotional connection and comfort...in these drama's we are caught up in emotions that are part of a evolution's survival program".
Heightened and out of control emotions was my basic glitch. I have been trying to overcome them and control them emotions. Handle them, forcefully be aware of them. The book says "like reasoning with a crying child". We tried to argue better, analyze childhood trauma's, writing emotional letters and making contracts, making promises. Non of them worked, and you ended up disappointed, feeling so much hurt and hate.
But I'm realizing how being honest about my needs, is about much than I could even imagine. A year ago I had no idea.
(from the book) "...recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection".
But adult attachment is more reciprocal. I need to focus on and think of what were the moments I could make that bond? by speaking in a direct well-thought and clear way, by admitting my mistakes on the spot, by jokingly laughing and humbly accepting what I had done that's hurt you. These moments have made us momentarily attuned, responsive and open, have made communication and connection possible. Those are the moments I let myself be vulnerable without fear, trusted you and myself in having a safe space to solve our conflicts in. And that was all we needed. Secure connection to a loved one is empowering. It makes us love ourselves more, and hence love each other more purely without all the hate and anger.
I needed to be safe to be able to be more curious. And that's all on me, Silver, to believe and accept that there exists security with you "no rigidity out of being vigilant to threats (...) connected partner absorb more easily new information about the person and revised their assessments. Openness to new experience and flexibility of belief seems to be easier when we feel safe".
I cut all the bonds when I refuse to communicate with you, and beat around the bush and have semantic irrelevant arguments. I needed to get my emotional shit together. I needed to understand what I needed was to not be scared of connecting with you, be vulnerable with you, being emotionally honest with you. You deserved that. It's not about me. I was passively aggressive. It was horrible. Really horrible. Had I had the same treatment I would never have tolerated. All you need is to be heard and feel emotionally safe. All I need was the same too. I didn't give that to myself. I took that away from you as well. You must have felt so distressed and painful and lonely. I can't bare to think of your suffering.
We are all alone. We created a precious community of two to save ourselves from that misery and I failed to maintain it. I was responsible for my society of two and I didn't maintain it. I was responsible. We get the sense of belonging and connection from a romantic partner. Friends and neighbors and colleagues cannot give that to us. And I had it. you had it with me. And I didn't know how to be responsible.
(from the book) "behind the mask of indifference is bottomless misery and behind apparent callousness, despair. Frozen in the attitude “I will never be hurt again” and paralyzed in desperation and rage."
I needed to not get scared of your despair, as you were hurt, needing understanding, consideration, and love. explanation. being clear.
...And I failed.
I failed to explain to you there is love and understanding for you within me, and I just can't respond at the moment my brain doesn't work. I said, I want to apologize but I am angry. That doesn't explain anything of what I was going through or any understanding towards you. That merely meant "I can't give you anything at the moment cuz I'm self protecting, instead of engaging in an emotional communicational bondage with you to save us both from this misery"
I rely on you. I depend on you. I need you. I am connected with you. I just don't REALLY understand that you have the same needs from me. "love is a selfless sacrifice that is about giving needing and getting". I keep things to myself too much. I am not a vulnerable warrior who gives help or seeks help. I am fearfully keeping things to myself. I am afraid of being open in moments of pressure. I freeze. You said that all to me. These are your analysis. You are so right. Solution in my opinion would have been, if I had talked with you more about it. If I had read more about it. If I had communicated that I'm freezing and I can use your help to get out of that state. If I had asked your help. bonded and connected. communicated.
You might say, well, you had 2 years to do so. You never did. You had 5 days. You never did anything. That is correct. Unfortunately I have been very slow in learning. Everytime took me the bigger trauma of losing you for my eyes to open up a bit and learn a bit more. save myself bit more out of the gutter.
"When they felt secure with their lover, they could reach out and connect easily; when they felt insecure, they either became anxious, angry, and controlling, or they avoided contact altogether and stayed distant. Just like (...) mother and child". non is news to you of course.
I make you feel unsafe around me by projecting my feeling of unsafe with my trauma response. This was/is my own journey. My responsibility.
​​
I am still reading and writing. I will add more. I have to add. I feel deeply hurt and sorry for what you had to go through for the past days that I was the cause and could have been the solution for. I am deeply sorry. I wish there was a chance I could have made a difference. I will write more.
[2]
disconnect emotionally. don’t feel emotionally safe. most fights are "protests over emotional disconnection". Underneath all the frustration is: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me?
"The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection"
This is what I withhold from you. I put me in distress and fear and didn't try to resolve it or communicate it. This is, also, not news to you.
My fear <has direct result of> fiercely seeking control, with anger. <has direct result of> losing control with an adverse effect.
Secure bonds also help with momentary frustration and quick grounding. More curiosity and room for listening, empathy, accountability.
[from the book] with weaker or fraying bonds, however, the fear can be overwhelming. We are swamped by what neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp of Washington State University calls “primal panic.” Then we generally do one of two things: we either become demanding and clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves. No matter the exact words, what we’re really saying in these reactions is: “Notice me. Be with me. I need you.” Or, “I won’t let you hurt me. I will chill out, try to stay in control.”
If I say I love you, why do I not just hear your call for understanding and connection and respond with
caring? Because much of the time I am out of tune with you. I am caught up in my own narratives and feelings. I do not know how to speak the language of attachment, or clear message about what I need. I do not say what's in my head because I feel confused about my own needs. I
speak out my need for connection with anger and frustration because I do not feel confident.
" I end up demanding rather than requesting, which often leads to power struggles rather than
embraces. Some of us try to minimize our natural longing to be emotionally close and focus instead on actions that give only limited expression to our need. The most common: focusing on sex. Disguised and distorted messages keep us from being exposed in all our naked longing, but they also make it harder for our lovers to respond."
I can only beg you, though I lost that right long ago. I beg you beg you beg you to give me another chance to develop this further. I read your messages to understand your pain better. You are in so much desperate pain and hurt from being betrayed and not-loved and being left alone cuz I crumble under pressure. I suck. And I need you. I need you so much.
I'm sorry I messaged you. I'm really trying so hard not to. But I'm living in hell. I can't breath. I really can't.
I can't think of my life without you. losing you is impossible for me. I don't know what will happen to me if you're not there. Please let me try. I beg you. I have infinite willingness and energy to spend to try. If you at all have it in you in any way or form to let me try please be better than me and let me help us. I beg you. I am in hell. I fainted in the train cuz of panic attack. I can't do this. I just literally can't.
PS: my astrology just weirdly said "Capricorn, learn ow to communicate".
​
Pi and Silver's relationship tree 🌲
​
​𖣂 The contract making era
ð– ° My rigid thinking era
Our conflicts started with me facing your standards and preferences in involving me in your projects, with the planting trees in the children's park, my bad cooking in your kitchen, the cycling, your job, you refusing my valentine chocolate, etc. They conflicts started with you finding me being casually and carelessly all over the place, not being reasonable or concrete.
I made contracts for each issue we faced, to make clear boundaries for us. We used to fight a lot, so we also made a contract for not fighting, to be in peace when the anger was about to show up. I wrote, "Peace comes first no matter what". We really used to fight a lot. It was devastating. Your needs were very new to me, and I was very confused by your reactions. We were so fucking close before this era.
​
In this era, my experience was that my reality was being called into question a lot, by you. In the details. U always were questioning me or telling me what I'm doing wrong. U were being hurt and I was a disturbance in your silverly organized environment. I couldn't see that. I used to think you are a micro-managing gaslighter.
Your experience was that my though process is very rigid, like the time you showed me your moss table and asked me what is new or different in it. And it was the pink flower grown in there u wanted me to see, I stared at it for 5 minutes more and u were yelling at me "how can't you see what's different?". U used to call me stupid and retarded all the time. It was very shocking and frustrating for me. I couldn't understand why everything should be so strict. It wasn't like this with other people I'd met before (well except with my mom maybe!) And you couldn't understand why I can't be clear in my communication and why I can't see what's "right in front of me"!
U used to argue "when I say you are retarded I'm not defining your whole being, I mean you are at that moment acting like a retard". Man I couldn't take it! I would get so angry.
ð– ° The bad story telling era
We have different perspectives and ways of thinking and talking. U used to say u had to practice to get to that level of putting your thoughts into words. I used to think why does he think he is better than me? U used to say I need to practice, first put things in order then tell them, cause otherwise it would bother you and burden you to put them in the right order while it's my job to do it. I didn't try to make things interesting to listen to, when narrating them. I was just saying them as they formed in my head in a dummy order.
There came the era that you found me annoying when I was telling u about my day or ideas, it didn't have a concrete story line. U would get frustrated. U said, speak clearly, put time to think before you talk. Was the time we talked about cultural differences too, about persian language and whatnot.
Months after this era, u said my thoughts are too big for my mouth.
Few days ago you pointed to the open shower and said it's still raining, then laughed and said to me u are a retard too, u just hide it better than me. I thought it was funny.
𖣂 The spray era, the summer
This was definitely the high point of all. Before it happened I was "feeling" controlled, my reality was always in question, my story telling was bad so I distanced myself from telling u about myself and my life, and I wasn't asking questions either, instead I was just shutting myself in assumptions, still acted pretty passive about most things. It was around the time I told u to stop calling me stupid.
You had taken more responsibilities to take care of everything on both of our sides, you were doing problem solving for fights, I was passive. We took a trip to france and it was great. I was emotionally charged and couldn't handle any part I was responsible for, u did all the planning. I felt so useless and out of control, no control over us, over myself, everything was a disastrous mess in me and around me. I wasn't any help.
We used to swim. We spend a lot of beautiful time together that summer. The troubling stalker girl happened in that summer as well. We had fights during summer but I guess it was manageable? I don't remember much of the fights.
We wanted to get closer. I suggested we meet my parents. I sucked at planning it ahead and make things easy for you. I fucked it up even further by taking the spray with me, then acting as if is nothing, then fighting about my mess I caused, and blaming you for my shortcoming, while u did a whole flight and trip and plannings around it and the expenses for an outside europe trip, just to be with me for half an hour, yet I welcomed you with monstrosity.
The spray happened.
And U somked again.
I was so oblivious I couldn't understand why everything between us was so difficult. I was avoiding reason because I was scared to see and accept it, couldn't reason to figure out what the situation between us is and how to resolve issues and what my role is in all of it exactly is. Not properly, at least.
When the fuck up of spray revealed, I argued with you to preserve myself from being called out on the fuck up, cuz I had this thought of you just wanting to bully me for the sake of bullying, couldn't see the reality beyond that. Yet I was not only not preserving myself but also planting seeds for the future misery of both of us, regardless of what an important time of our lives that week was in Turkey and what effort u put in to be there, I wasn't seeing anything, I was just presumption and extreamely defensive, for no good reason. For no good intention. And it took me forever to even begin to understand it.
I went full berserk on our love and trust with the spray.
It was neverendingly everlastingly unnecessary.
↟ The Raspberry Pi, kayak, packing my stuff out of ur house, etc. era
From this point on, u only lost all trust and emotional connection with me, said something died in u and needed enormous effort from both of our sides to mend it, if mending is at all ever possible. Strangely enough it was you all along who was asking me to make things right and initiating it, explaining everything, making me understand what I'd even done, initiating conversations, asking me to make amends, instead of me doing all of it, remorsefully asking you to forgive what I'd put u through, I was being a tree trunk. Obliviously and ignorantly.
U started telling me I need to ask more questions if I'm confused, I need to be open to understanding the views of others because others are real and not just in my head. U introduced me again to your kitchen, stopped calling me stupid, and asked me instead to be curious, clear, and ask questions.
I tried to practice asking and understanding, but this didn't mean I was willing to leave my own rigid perspective to understand yours. Everything for me had become about who is right who is wrong. Not about perspectives. It's weird cause I have been known by my whole life by everyone for having unbiased perspectives about everything and everyone. But maybe life and trauma and emotions were now chaining me to my rigid perspectives of my own. I wanted to protect myself so bad. I still do unfortunately. I don't even know against what. That made it even more scary, cause I didn't even have an enemy.
We wanted this to change in me, by me learning to have proper conversations with you, be less emotionally charged, leave when get triggered, and practice being tolerant.
U had a hard time trusting me, your anger was showing up in strong waves over and over again because of the remnants of the feeling about the spray, I was useless when it came to making things right, we decided to take therapy.
​𖣂 Now, the therapy era
So now both of us have accepted we are different, we both have our own personal truths, different from one another. All of which are valid. But sometimes my personal truths become your burden, and sometimes I find your personal truth disturbing and offensive. I still refuse to be a philosopher who converses for the sake of understanding, I converse for the sake of "putting you to your place". I fight cause I'm scared.
Now the question is, how will the dynamic look like if we both want to keep our boundaries strict, if I don't learn to communicate my boundaries and needs properly, am not curious enough to see your perspective, and how can I avoid forcing my truths onto you?
U made it clear that your peace and life come first. My peace and safety come first for me as well. Of course. It only makes sense, it only makes us stronger in our relationship if each of us can first take care of themselves. I tend to have my own narratives in terms of what is offensive and where I need to protect myself. It's kinda hard to change it apparently, it's hard coded into my brain and I'm just trying to work on seeing passed it, but still need harder attempts.
Communication for me was never a strong point either, so, for a long time I wasn't able to use it as a tool to go through and solve the conflict of boundaries with words and understanding, so I'd just found your boundaries disturbing my peace, and couldn't even understand why, due to emotional trigger and strict biased thinking.
Have I had the tool of "words", maybe we could have discussed the potential problems easier. But the next question is, will this tool be enough to overcome conflict? This tool, if used right by a strong mind, is powerful for sure.
But what if, despite our conversations and understandings, my boundaries still disturb yours or yours disturb mine, and one of us has to compromise for another? Will we be able to do that? I think here comes the necessity of the next era: trust era
𖣂 (Possible) post trusting era
Now u say you find it hard to trust me, you take care of yourself first, cause I don't take care of you, or sometimes don't even take care of myself, at the cost of your peace. You see me as a volatile enemy on whom u can't count. I wonder if trust can make us more willing to give respect and space to each other's boundaries, and if necessary, be willing to compromise for each others needs.
I can't expect that from you now, since I myself have a very thick castle built around me. I do act and think clumsy, not emotionally strong, and I expect the worst of the world all the time. I'm not very willing to see things from your point of view, I'm defensive, I'm not an empathetic type, I fight against a hypothetical bully who I think wants to control me, instead of seeing you as a person and try to engage. Then u act accordingly and I get upset about the reaction to my action.
But now the question is how can I make you trust me? By being consistent in behavior, for one. By not dragging you into my emotional roller coaster.
â™± (Possible) Sharing perspective era
This era has been going on for a long while now. But I put it as a separate part to focus on it further.
Right now your trust in me is very low, and it's made things really vulnerable and difficult. Any emotional trigger makes u wanna take the necessary distance immediately to preserve your peace. And I lack prediction on what might trigger you. I don't predict in the moment for instance the plastic bag or that if I go put the groceries in the fridge it would be rude and disrespectful, or why ice tea is a problem, and I don't ask. Although you didn't fight with me on any of them, which is a very valuable thing.
I still don't have any solutions for how to change this lack of predicting in me, and the tyrant that comes afterwards, how to understand and predict these triggering moments. For me, they are very random and small, and in the moment, I don't understand if and how they could turn into issues. Then I have to either ask you or be willing to put aside my rigid mentality to understand.
I wonder how you felt about the last session we had with the therapist where I explained what happened in my brain when we had the accident about plastic bag (that I get hyper focused and stop thinking properly and etc.) And how you think of it, does it make you get less upset with me having an explanation for what happened? or it's irrelevant to you (when u sometimes say u don't care) as long as I don't do things the right way?
The reason why I ask this is to see if you understand my position helps you not get upset as much with me, if me explaining them, if they are reasonable, it would help you. It sure does help me. But I wonder if it helps you. Do u also think if I explain what I go through would result in me taking more control over the situation and less burden on you to take control over the triggering situation, when u already going through a lot?
It would definitely help me, both to understand myself and to lessen or prevent the anger in you, and be able to be less defensive as a result, less triggered myself. So, yeah, this was another possible step, which I have to practice it, very hard for long.
[date: sometime in 2024]
​
To answer your question, what's good about meeting eachother:
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Going around amsterdam codam to find treasure/discovering, Reading books while sunbathing, shoot bird, planet ape watch,Pilate, Break into our home, Sing him the little prince! Rotterdam Museum, Worm Rotterdam, Escher, that Book Writers' Association he said, Moss table music, Make art together, paint sunset, woodwork, ask him to read his stories to you, he wanted to show me his porn, that studio is in Leiden, swimming lake, boat, voltage control studio, jamming together. concert and Gray Space and Crawl Space. NDT dance shows. Leiden Heineken had a beautiful hanging room take him. condom adverting, throwing crap post-it-note in people's mailboxes. organ concert in church. church-Yoga . Kabk tour. sonic acts. chop woods together in jungle. Go look for mushrooms and moss in the forest. finding a prostitute friend together - Play Monopoly with random people.
I think if we go on a trip, we should take an instant camera, take pictures, leave the pictures here and there with a text behind them, Or maybe we should post them to ourselves? go to Sunday market + cool guy museum, rat killing/petting, mushroom, shooting the coconut/theater dolls, go to jungleS for run/for weed and music. Go to jew's dunes, sneak into concerts in Amare, Fish humans with 10 euros in kabk, Go see his delft farmtje (bike to delft), Train date, Nail polish, Casino, Cooking, Find more homes, traveling and camping, sunbathing in balcony with ice water for feet!, Bullfighting live in Peru/Spain/Portugal, Leave jew jpt in reddit, make documentations and post on youtube- cook for him and with him- bake for and with him -tell him about Fourier - tell him about the sound of the wind - make fourier 3d printer with wood together - kringloop custom shopping - rope him!!!!!- Make gold with clay and take a nap - glass breaking composition - compose with him - take him for deep listening in nature and field recording - fire recording - burning piano music - go to filmhuis and art venues and installations and art movies - Leiden Blossom Cafe - Amare Zaal under chairs for listening to music - Jazz bar - chess high - movies high - swimming high -
breaking into cemetery - hunting - camping - barbecue - going back into out home - read him bedtime stories -
Empty stage for performing, composing and dancing with Babe-Burning instrument for sound -Hydrophone making with crystals - radio making - moss music - Audio meditation with my own voices/ with nature / with recordings - Tell him to touch your hair, braid it - Take to Kabaka Exhibition of last year projects - work in kabk - filmhuis